Saturday, December 23, 2006

Vintage Sex

Somebody in my family thinks my age may be showing, and e-mailed a few "helpful" hints. If you think your age is also showing, make notes:

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you. Once you've verified that, you can take them off again.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your cell phone speed dial before you begin. Hang your cell phone around your neck so you can find it quickly.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.

6. Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between your partner's thighs.

7. Have smelling salts ready in case you actually complete the act. Don't be selfish -- have enough to share with your partner.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.


Blogger Tim said...

What is this "sex" thing you speak of? I must be too old for I don't remember it.

Saturday, December 23, 2006 3:33:00 PM  
Blogger Dez said...

11. Don't forget the personal lubricant. Use just enough to overcome dryness, but not so much that you lose all feeling of contact. A certain amount of friction is good.

Flavored lubricants are nice, as long as they don't contain sugar, which encourages microbial growth. My favorite is Pina Colada.

Sunday, December 24, 2006 10:17:00 AM  
Blogger Chimera said...

Dez: From the looks of the comments here, it seems like you could set up a class in "how-to" -- with lots of visual aids, mind you. Tim could be one of your first students...*big grin*

And to your add-ons, I could add on: don't forget condoms, or you could be encouraging yet another kind of growth. And while a paternity suit in your senior years might be good for the ego, it would be hell on your retirement funds! LOL!

Sunday, December 24, 2006 11:02:00 AM  

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