Thursday, July 13, 2006

Matching Moods

I'm in a snarly mood. I've been there for a few days, now. So, when I opened my e-mail earlier today and found this, I thought, "Perfect..."

Come and visit our province -- Saskatchewan (or wherever)

Here are a few things you ought to know to make your stay more pleasant:

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. I have a 4-wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine-years-old. Yeah, we saw Bambi die. We got over it.

4. Any references to "grain fed" when talking about our women will get your butt kicked -- by our women.

5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes unsweetened in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

9. You bring Coke into my house you better bring rye along, and some ice.

10. So you have a sixty-thousand-dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million-dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

11. Let's get this straight. We may have one stoplight in town, but we stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

13. Yeah, we eat trout, Northern pike, walleye, and perch, too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it's available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs and cows. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Highways #1 and #16 go two ways - get on one of them.

15. The "Opener" refers to the first days of fishing and deer season. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.

16. So what if every person in every pick-up waves? It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit into the water hazards. It spooks the fish. And stay out of the woods. It'll spook the deer.

Enjoy your stay, eh?

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